Forget about your ex-girlfriend Paula and use these tips to truly enjoy your Super Bowl, even if nobody is going to be there to enjoy it with you.
It's time for the Super Bowl, and you know what that means -- time for a Super Bowl party! Everybody's going to watch the Big Game, from rabid sports fans to people who only want to see the commercials and halftime show. The Super Bowl is as much a sporting event as an opportunity for all of America to share an experience together.
Unfortunately, you don't have anybody to share this experience with. After losing your ex-girlfriend Paula and her friend circle, you haven't been particularly sociable. Nobody invited you to their Super Bowl party -- not even on Facebook.
But that doesn't mean you can't have a great time watching the Super Bowl. Here are some tips on how to make your solo Super Bowl bash a solo Super Bowl smash!
Make a delicious dish!
A Super Bowl party is like a big potluck -- everybody brings their favorite football snack to create a smorgasbord of guilty pleasures, and you'd better impress!
Of course, you won't have anybody to impress, so why bother. But you still have to eat to sustain yourself, so here are some food items you could make:
Easy Mac
Ingredients
1 bowl of Easy Mac
The little packet of cheese that comes with the Easy Mac
Water
Hot sauce (optional)
Instructions
Put water in the Easy Mac
Put Easy Mac in the microwave for 3-4 minutes
Add cheese packet to Easy Mac
Stir until Easy Mac is cheesed
Add hot sauce to taste
Cup Noodles
Ingredients
1 Cup Noodles
Water
Hot sauce (optional)
Instructions
Boil water
Pour into Cup Noodles
Allow Cup Noodles to sit while the noodles become tender
Look at your ex-girlfriend Paula's Facebook page on your phone
Add hot sauce to taste
Pizza
Ingredients
Your phone
About 10-15 dollars
Instructions
Call your favorite pizza place
Try your best to sound like somebody else is eating the pizza, even though you know you're lying and the pizza guy doesn't even care
(Optional) Tell the pizza guy you're splitting the pie with your girlfriend even though Paula dumped you three months ago and the pizza guy seriously doesn't care
Order a pie
Give the pizza guy your address
Tell yourself you're only going to eat three slices
Pay the delivery guy money for the pizza
Eat five slices
Leave the remaining three slices sitting unrefrigerated in an open box on top of your stove until the cheese hardens and the crust becomes stale
Those hilarious commercials!
"Who had the best commercial?" That's what people at regular people Super Bowl parties will be talking about. Who liked which ads? The best will receive peals of laughter, and the worst will be greeted with silence and perhaps some jeers.
Of course, you won't have anybody to talk to. To best approximate the feel of a group deciding which ads are funniest, think really hard about which commercials your ex-girlfriend Paula would like the best. Which commercials would make Paula laugh? Which would make her say "what was up with that ad?!?!?!" Paula might not be with you right now, but at least your memories of her can help you judge which ads were funniest.
Know a thing or two about the game!
Is there anything worse than the one person at the party who keeps having to ask about the rules and the teams playing? Ugh! Why even watch the Super Bowl!
Luckily that person won't be at your Super Bowl party because you won't have a Super Bowl party. You're watching the game solely in order to watch the game, rather than out of some form of social obligation.
Don't wear anything that could possibly be interpreted as actual human clothing!
Nobody is going to see you, so just be comfortable. Possible combinations:
No shirt with pajama bottoms
White, stained t-shirt with boxers
Your ex-girlfriend Paula's hoodie with nothing else, because technically as long as you still own this hoodie you're still together, right
Katy Perry's halftime show!
Katy's going to come out and perform a slew of her enormous pop hits, a lot of which your ex-girlfriend Paula used to love.
Come to think of it, you probably shouldn't watch Katy Perry's Super Bowl halftime show! The best way for you to experience the Super Bowl halftime show is to listen to some of Katy's deeper cuts that won't remind you of Paula. How about "The One That Got Away?"
wait
wait that was a bad idea we didn't mean to suggest that
no
look, dude, look, we were joking about that one don't listen to it please
oh jeez
look you're a good guy, dude
look, man, it happens to the best of us sometimes this just happens to people we all go through rough patches
have you thought about using Tinder everybody's using Tinder, it's fun
yeah, we know, she made a huge mistake, I'm sure Paula knows that, I bet she's having a rough time too, she's probably going to have a terrible time at Luke's Super Bowl par-
yeah, Luke is having a Super Bowl party he invited everyo-- well, I mean, not everybody, just, like, a few people, like, really close friends, a few close friends
yeah, I'm going, but me and Luke are really cl-
I mean me and Luke are really close, how could I not go to his Super Bowl party? We go all the way back, plus, I told him I'd bring artichoke dip and if I don't there won't be any artichoke dip there
no you can't have any artichoke dip
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