It's the best game of the year. Here's a primer for what to watch for on Sunday.
We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Happy Friday the 31th folks. Its Holloween which is the scariest time to be a parent what with all the razorblades in apples that Im handing out as my right to discipline children the way I was disciplined as a child. Real quick one common misconcepton to clear up here if your going as a certain Washington QB for Holloween- "Andrews." was actualy the name of the Doctor, the name of the player built out of spare parts is "Dr Andrews monster."
Just a word of warning folks, Ive got the flu and possible Ebola from my trip to Dallas as Im writing this. This take is literaly my Michael jordan moment or like that time that Danny Woodhead played through being 5 foot 8.
But all the greats play through pain and thats not a excuse, Im going to gut this one out no offense to my intestines #prayforPFTC. The shield has had a rough year folks, with all the NFeLons out there getting locked up, and Tony Romo being a literally brokeback Cowboy who cant play through a spine, and the Panthers Bucs and Falcons giving a bad name to the word "South", its about time for some good clean news folks.
Fotunately this weekend is a traditon unlike any other- the Brady Manning Bowl. I call it the Bradley Manning Bowl because with metropoltan Tom Brady getting more and more posh and cosmopoltan everyday hes more likely to be a Chelsea type anyways.
One thing you cant argue with is the fact that this is the most importent game of the year. Its like back when England and France use to verse each other in a war every couple years except the loser of that didnt get to change all the rules to make sure they won the next time if you dont count the fact that France kept changing it to best 3 out of 5, then 4 out of 7, then 5 out of 9 etc.
The winner of the Brady Manning bowl should get to decide which team Wes Welker goes into the hall of fame as. Also who ever loses this game gets to decide one rule change to counteract whatever kind of "gotcha" defense the winning team used to make there team better next year,, for example if Denver wins then the Pats can say "Every team is aloud to have one player whose been linked to a murder attempt" so that they can decide whether they want to resign either Aaron Hernandez or maybe Donte Stallworth or maybe Brandon Merriweather or even Aqib Talib or someone else I dont know I guess there are alot of options.
So whose going to win the epic showdown?
Lets break down the tape-
Tight End: Advantage Patriots. Gronk is in rarified air as perhaps the only TE in league histroy who can catch double digit TDs and STDs in a single season. Orange Julius strikes me as the type guy whose going to cash in with like the Falcons and pretty much dig a hole for himself to die in without Manning.
WR: Push The Broncos went from being what I like to call the Low Speed Chase White Broncos to having so much speed its no wonder the Seahawsk not only crushed them, but snorted them as well.
Emmanuell Sanders or as I call him EMMANUELLE IN SPACE is the type guys whose highlights should be shown on Cinemax instead of NFL replay folks. Hes a softcore verson of Brandon Stokely but what he lacks in finding penetraton in a soft zone he makes up for in theatrics.
Dumbarius Thomas is sometimes to fast for his own good which is why he only gets passes in the endzone when its impossible to screw up the play too badly after you catch it. Classic example of Manning making his teammates better,
Wes Welker: Welker use to be the type guy who almost craved contact out there which as we know now is one of the symptoms of Ecstasy use. Welker use to be a Pro-cussion player now hes a Con-consson guy.
Patriots-
Julian Edelman- Hes a poor mans Welker but thats actualy a good thing. Welker had his best years before he got paid alot of money to go spend on frivolous things like molly and doctors appointments.
Kembrell Thompkins- Trememdous athlete. I really have no idea about him at all.
Danny Amedola- He should extract some of his excess muscle fibers in his heart and transplant them to his groin. Hes the type guy who just needs a bit more hernia-discipline and hed be a allpro
D-Line:Advantage Broncos
Demarcus Ware is having a late career resurgence now that hes out of the medical care of Dr. Jerry Jones. I would trust Jerry for his medical opinons on 2 things- 1. Are those things fake? 2. Is the plot of face-off medicaly possible?
Head Coach: Advantage Patriots
The way Belichick kept Tom Brady on the injury report for 6 years inspired me to allways tell my prostutes that I have ED even though i dont just in case I ever have trouble performing like I sometimes do.
Jon Fox just honestley seems like a lazy ass name for a cartoon fox.
Overall advantage goes to Peyton Manning. Manning is so hyper focused he thinks that games are a distracton from watching film. Thats the kind of preperaton you want out of a QB. Irregardless the next chapter in the history of the best rivalry is about to unfold before are very eyes, and we should never take that for granite.
from SBNation.com - All Posts http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/2014/10/31/7137163/the-brady-manning-bowl-a-preview
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